A war no one sees

oracle0415 @ 2009-08-18T23:13:00

2009-08-19T03:14:09Z

im ok. tired.

ok

2009-08-14T13:56:05Z

fell hanging curtains my left shoulder feels like someone took a hammer to it. pain sucks

its after midnight and im an insominac

2009-08-12T04:40:56Z

Ok so I cant sleep and he wont slash cant hold me. we had a discussion over aiden again and im the one who cant sleep. god ive put on weight he cant think or see me as sexy anymore. and no he didnt say this but he did say i need more exercise. health reasons and hes right so I cant be angry can I. Im not worth much right now it seems like all i do is cry. I miss my mom and I want one friend in the world I can talk to and it be all about me just for a min. I hate myself tonight. maybe Im overtired maybe no one cares. This is a dark ride.

Ok its five am and I cant sleep

2009-08-04T09:24:14Z

ok its not quite five and I cant sleep but hey give me slack for so literary license and if ya dont then fuck it yoou dont need to be reading this. So for those still following. We closed on our house today. I am happy,mellow greatful, thoughtful, and pondering today. I have thought of people today special people that have loved and helped me along the way. Ok so Im going to names names here so im sorry if anybodys feeling get hurt If I dont give a shout out to everyone its not that I dont love you but these are my thoughts for the day more or less to just get a bit down.
Joseph, you are my lover, my friend, and my hope weither your in arms reach or upstairs in our bed or 900 miles away like tommorrow when I pick up the kids my heart is always there with you no matter. You taught me a dvd can make a connection and build dreams on. You taught me there is love a true love that is as deep and meaningful as the silences we share some nights. You teach me patients and its in the journey not just the goal. I cant say enough spice and if youo= read this and its babble know a simple fact I love you always now forever and always. mmmmwaaahh
Nunn you came into my thoughts today as I thought of all the work ahead rehabing that house to get it up to standard. Its beautiful but i got a thing about wallpaper and carpet. You taught me to find the center of the truth and the facts may or maynot always fit that truth. You taught me a friend is a friend no matter what no matter where. I know im getting mushy call it lack of sleep. Ill just say thanks and move on.
Mom and Dad Aric and tarah you know what youve done and I thank you.
Steve you taught me that silence is golden and actions devine, your never ending patients for the stupidity of those around us does not always have to guide our actions. You were the first to show me hope with aiden that i wasnt going to loose him to the maze. Joe and I have built on that and man you should see him now. More or less Joe has. Aiden has turned into a fine young boy and you should see him now.
Service, Betty, Aubrey, you have been my friend when you didnt have to be and for that I thank you. And although we have never physically met Chris, Matt and Kaura you qualify too. In a different way maybe but still.

Alex jess and mike you taught me a parents love is endless.

Finally, Aiden and Cady last tonight but never least you guys are the reason I cant sleep tonight. We bought you a home today a real one that well wasnt just built on bricks and stone but on love and hope and a real sense of peace wellbeing and happiness, I want nothing more than the joy peace and happiness that comes from a life well lived and a heart well loved.
I have twenty five min to cuddle my husband before I leave him for a night so Im going to go do that now. Ill leave this journal with my closing thought. The devil is in the details but the people who love you are in the big picture weithr you know it or not.

havent heard

2009-07-20T03:37:02Z

havent heard from my husband sence wend. I have to go home on tues mto an empty house and it made my mom cry. Im going to miss them so bad. god i miss joe he would know what to say to make everything ok. im not sure that things will ever be the same for my folks. my moms a tough old bird but i dont know how tough. another hit another day. Damn I just wish joe would call.

ive forgotten

2009-07-16T21:45:46Z

I have forgotten how hard it is waiting on phone calls that may or maynot come and trying so hard not to be disappointed when they dont. I cant wait till we are all in one place again. Mom and dad are as well as can be expected and im honestly not much help as i would like to be out here. There world is limited but undercontrol. I dont know what to do with myself here at least at home i have my world. I miss mom already and I havent left yet. Life is so cruel in someways. why cant we all live close.

i miss my husband

2009-07-15T01:56:25Z

anybody that says that army life is easy is lying out their out ass. I miss my husband desperately. Yess im having a lovely time with my folks but it doesnt mean i miss him less in a way it causes me to miss him more. Joe I love you stay safe and ill see you in a week and two days love ya spice always

phx

2009-07-11T18:27:06Z

im here dad is doing ok mom is doing much better. i cant get untired. I miss joe horribly i turn around to tell him something and cant drives me batshit and by the time i hear from him ive forgotten.

green

2009-06-30T22:44:42Z

I hate being green with envy. sigh.

oracle0415 @ 2009-06-21T20:24:00

2009-06-22T00:25:38Z

where to start.
Got to New York. Working very hard at learning to be a housewife. were are trying to buy a house we got a preapproval for a moragage. I went to a new shrink today. We saw a great house today. we are seeing two more tommorrow.im tired im lonely. and im having a down day . tommorrow will be better. Joe is trying so hard and working way too much. we may be looking at another run the end of the year. im exhausted. we want another baby so badly, my mom is in the hospital

oracle0415 @ 2009-06-10T20:08:00

2009-06-11T00:15:24Z

oracle0415 @ 2009-04-18T14:10:00

2009-04-18T19:12:06Z

the pain is really bad . its all over now no hope. wourk ld give my right hand for some pain pills. well at least we can get on to new york . and we will try again.

oracle0415 @ 2009-04-17T01:01:00

2009-04-17T06:03:58Z

miscarriage is the gods or goddess way of saying youve pissed me off so im going to give you the world then im going to rip out your soul. The bleeding picked up tonight I know where this is going Ive done this dance before. Joe says we will try again. but I have a question for all you wonderful readers anybody know which god i pissed off and how to fix it. Im not a bad person I know that I love my kids so much. I work hard I try to be good to people even when they havent been good to me. the world isnt fair and i know that. Im not slow alot of good people dont get what they need much less what they deserve but damn, ok thats my bitch for today at least im lucky enough that someone loves me enough to hold me this time.

oracle0415 @ 2009-04-15T18:00:00

2009-04-15T23:01:58Z

probablly going to loose our baby the numbers dont look good .happy birthday to me

oracle0415 @ 2009-02-20T18:38:00

2009-02-21T00:43:21Z

dinner is ready. cady is doing vocabulary words and right now i feel like the worse mom in the world. im tired and crabby were going to move to new york in late april.

oracle0415 @ 2008-11-18T20:04:00

2008-11-19T02:06:51Z

ok kids my wedding in the 29th. it will be just the two of us things have gotten complicated with a big wedding and we are happy the kids are doing well. i wanted to post that things on this side of the world is good. Joe is home im happy. both the kids teachers are morons but what else is new. they have been warned. the new job is good. hugs to all

oracle0415 @ 2008-10-31T04:54:00

2008-10-31T10:03:08Z

Im moved. I go told three times this week I didnt think you could do it but by goddess I came through I have lots of people I need to thank though. Each of you made this step forward possible. Spice, Im home and its waiting on you boxes and all. Get home soon. I miss aiden and cady especially today. I lonely . I know its stupid and soon Ill be complaining about the chaos they bring but Ive spent the past year waiting for our lives to start. Except those last week in april first part of may. Not long now. I got people who love me very much out there and have put their blood sweat and tears into me and for that I thank you.

the first one to a nervous breakdown wins

2008-10-14T23:55:53Z

The morning started out normal enough. the early evening got crazy. my seven year old jumped out of a moving vehicle and almost got hit by a car. yeah super aiden to the rescue. cady just cut herself on something and im out of bandaids and aiden is asleep. it should stop bleeding in a min i think. ummmm i want out im sick to death of everything. my spice will be home in three weeks my spice will be home in three weeks. im exhausted and i still have to move. i quit no seriously.

Forward ever backward never

2008-09-24T00:48:02Z

Im thinking tonight. We got our apartment were ready to move forward with the rest of our lives. ok my commute is going to suck its an hour ten each way so probably more like an hour and half so ill need to leave at nine thirty to get there by eleven and ill be getting home at about that time at night. I got a good word today Joe may be home by nov 1. I cant wait to hold him again and hes right we need a fresh start. the kids will stay with midge for a week or two while i get things set up and settled then joe will be there and we will start this together as a family . I stay shattered anymore and that sucks. I live in fear of my anemia rasing its head when i get stressed. We cant plan the wedding because everything is up in the air as far as childcare goes. then there is my job. I want what we waited for but I also want to be married and settled i dont like this are you married question then it turns into are you legally married. cause in a way i fell daffy head over heals when he came out of that truck in may of 07. I am concerned that we will get so caught up in everyday life that we will forget to get married. I know that sounds stupid but I know we will do it when we get the oppertunity, the question is when .

ever had this experience

2008-09-22T21:21:15Z

You hold your breath to the time of day that you can hear a certain voice and everything is alright with your world. In a laugh you will never hear but you can feel a smile from ten thousand miles. Deployments suck and they test love like no other experience ive ever had even death . All i can say is were six weeks out from finally putting this mess behind us and moving forward with our lives. He loves me and hes over indulgent but its nice to feel treasured even when you screw up. I love him i can breathe on the days he says hes not going out and i hold my breath to see his messager pop up on the days he does. I know its silly hes fine and he has that huge truck between him and the people hes protecting and i will worry till the day i take him off that plan and i can feel his arms around me again. He says try and relax. I say i will and i cant. So still I wait were almost done just hang in there kid and ill have my happy ever after.

And if he reads this he will ask me if ive written anymore poetry.(Think hanabil rising kids) and ill stutter and stammer and tell him I love him and move on . On to the next topic close to my heart my children. Aiden is getting so big and cady is too their not babies any more cady is five and aiden is soon to be eight . Im so proud of the strides they are making. I cant believe that anya would be two coming up in march, this family has come along way. I found Joe a mug hes tried to get so i get dancing when he gets home i cant wait. its an excuse to get to hold him .

Kudos to mark for covering for me with the kids yesterday i was so sick. Migraine with my period god they suck. but Im pleased to say he stepped up and helped even if he didnt want to . to you many thanks. Im worried about him keeping contact with the kids once we move but i will do everything to help them keep the close relationship that they have always enjoyed.

i have alot to be thankful for

2008-09-21T11:46:14Z

Joe loves me
A spontanious kiss from Aiden
A cady quote( No papa I cant swim but I can drown real good)
Tylonel pn and realising I need real pain managment
things are coming together for nashville

And heres a special one Octavialuna I owe you one belated birthday. Im so clueless
also the headache is gone

guess what kids

2008-09-18T23:59:43Z

my body has a new response to stress chest pains and not being able to breathe. Yay rah panic attatcks. the chest pains worry me though as you know my mom was a recent heartattack a second one. im moving shortly. to nashville. my only saving grace is the children and joe all love me very much. aiden is not taking the move well. one min hes fine with it and the next hes freaking out. im so tired. well what else is new. we will get there. Next eight weeks ganna suck but z got to do it.

Im having a what the fuck moment

2008-07-29T01:53:45Z

As a sit and type this im tired my headaches and ive put everybody to bed three times.scratch that they are still not asleep and its almost ten. My wedding has been pushed back again to maybe December or Jan . We need to acap and clear. Now there is a monkey wrench in child care. Yay rah. My folks will be out in a few weeks if mom is well enough something will happen to screw that up too. See im looking forward to it so eventually reality will set in and it wont happen. Just like the hundred of other things I want.
On a lighter note last week I put my hand through a glass door went to the hospital they werent going to even clean it cause i had got the bleeding to stop. Aiden had a good night tonight hes not comatose and I didnt have to yell at him once. Cady on the other hand has picked up the atribute selective hearing. Ive ate myself sick and am a nervous wreck. Lets add on top of that no meds left, And no way to get any God I love american healthcare. I dont want to go into the let down i feel over az aproach to autism, Aidens too high functioning and because of that we again will get screwed Im grateful but a little help with the med bill would be nice. The inlaws want to take the kids for another week I hate when thwy are gone. Im numb. I feel disconnected and im starting to think thats good. ok kids only another six days and this week will be gone too. Yeah I know im just sunshine and light tonight. A friend has a sick kitten I feel for him. And yahrah my blood count is falling and yeah dont tell joe or anybody else. It doesnt really matter, Ill be sick again by the end of the year between periods and stress my system cant keep up . The clouds will part soon. Just one more day right.

car vandelized and other crap

2008-07-17T23:55:12Z

ok car vndelized head hurts and no homecoing for the 101st
im sick of the army
that is all

sometimes your the princess sometimes your the pawn

2008-06-23T02:28:43Z

Last night was a dark night thats all im going to say about that. marks uncle dropped dead in church this morning. i dont know what to say to that. i still am having issues. im calling my shrink. the good news is im loved. even if i dont understand it.